One time I got really drunk, and I decided it was a good Idea to pee in my friend's suitcase. It turns out it was actually my suitcase. With my brand new MacBook Pro in it.



I gave my brother a blowjob a couple of months ago. I still can't understand how i could do something so bad.



I ordered Chinese food on a very hungry occasion. The delivery driver was a Puerto Rican lady. I paid and gave a tip. She called me babe when she said thanks. Instantly got a crush on her. I order there hoping she shows up. Come get this tip mami



The guy working at the gas station last night thought I was homeless and paid for my chips and root beer. I think it's time to stop wearing pjs in public.



Today my dad took a nap. After four hours he was still in the room and i thought that he might have been dead, since he already had two heart attacks. I started worrying and thinking about what to do, when i heard two deep burps coming from the room. I was never so happy to hear someone burping.


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