Three years ago I found a cellphone on the street. I looked for info to give it back but it was completely empty. My secret is that nobody reported it, so i've been calling for free the whole time! I kinda feel guilty for the guy that will have to pay a huge bill though...




When I use my computer, my cat runs up to the power strip, looks at me in the eyes, and hits the power switch, turning everything off. She does this quite often.




I'm spending the night in a motel sunday because my wife is having a woman over for the night. #fml




Last night I got so drunk I ate a steak. Not a big deal, except i've been a vegetarian for the past 5 years.




I found a burrito on the kitchen counter and gave it a sniff test. It didn't pass it, but I ate it anyway.



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